Should I get a Pet?

This posting may seem a little banal, but it may prove invaluable. Someday you may find yourself in a pet-store alone, or worse yet with your children. You will then ask yourself if it is a good idea to purchase a pet, or a little mini-you will be asking (read nagging). This means it is time to go to another store.

I've been in this situation and I've said yes: five times! I have said yes to two dogs, a cat, a rabbit and a Guinea pig. At one point I even seriously considered getting fish, and my wife has mentioned birds. I needed a plan.

I know I've got a problem as I sit here in my mini-zoo. I knew things were getting really bad when I was in a state of bliss when the Guinea pig died. I happily dug a hole in the backyard and dumped in the awesomely named : Fruitopia Spider-Girl. I was thrilled to have started my own pet-cemetery. Morbid.

Here is my insight - SAY NO! You really don't need a pet...but...

This won't always work, so here is my new policy: Never buy/own an animal whose eyes are on the sides of its head. This type of animal is really 'effin dumb! These creatures were put on Earth to be eaten by the more cunning animals that have eyes in the front of their skulls! Think of the number of pets this eliminates: rodents, fish, birds, horses, pigs and fighting-cocks! Excellent.

Rabbits and other varied rodents piss and shit at an ungodly rate and they have no personalty. The Rabbit that I own (Mr. Whiskers) will walk around the room once, go back into its cage lay 27 pellet dumps, piss in the corner than take a nap. The only difference between this creature and the Guinea pig is that Guinea pigs shit a more elongated nugget and it does this anywhere - even where it sleeps! Fucking nasty, and the cage oddly spells like a mini-horse stall.

Just follow my simple rule: check the position of the eyes. It is a simple test that will improve your life.